Should you stay...

Or should you go?

Have you ever been in a difficult relationship, romantic or otherwise? Where you’re not really sure if you’re just going through a rocky patch, being a little too sensitive or not loving enough of your friend or partner, or spotting an unhealthy dynamic?

It’s really hard to navigate those situations, and lots of advice out there of varying levels of quality. You might consult other friends or a therapist, maybe read a book or some articles online, and try to diagnose what’s going on and what you should do about it. Each relationship is unique as to what’s acceptable and what’s not, but for once I’m going to give you one simple trick that can help you figure out how to manage your relationship with a specific person.

When we tie our lives to other people, there’s ideally a give and take between us and them. Sometimes we do the work, bear the burdens, act as the supporter and cheerleader, and sometimes they do. That doesn’t mean we’re transactional about it, keeping score of who put how much effort into the friendship when. It does mean that one side shouldn’t always be giving and the other side, taking. Each person should feel like they are fulfilled or satisfied in some way by maintaining a connection with the other. What that looks like is different for every relationship, and it’s difficult to judge what works and what doesn’t without being inside it.

But at the same time, being outside is exactly what’s required sometimes to see if a person is being taken advantage of or otherwise not being treated well. Sometimes you can get that perspective by asking a trusted friend, but for all sorts of reasons that may not be or feel like an option for you.

Here’s something you can do either way, a little thought experiment that might give you a clearer view of whether a relationship is healthy for you: imagine if one of your good friends came to you and described their relationship to you, and it sounded eerily like yours.

Fill in the blanks here: whether texts are responded to at times that make sense, when the other person calls and what they want when they do, the kinds of gifts that are given and received, who’s paying for what when, how much they’re fighting, what they’re fighting about, what they agree about, the things they enjoy and don’t enjoy together.

Then your friend asks you for your honest opinion about whether that other person is good for them. The opinion that you might otherwise not even tell them but you’re definitely thinking to yourself.

What would you tell that friend?

Is it different from the same as you are doing for yourself in that eerily similar situation?

If it’s different, why?

Be really brutal here. Think about this exactly as if you’re advising a friend - past or present - who you really love, who you really want the best for, who you know wants the truth and not easy reassurances.

Now love yourself as much as your friend, and tell yourself the same thing. Then don’t be as frustrating as that friend can sometimes be, and take your own advice.

…Look, I said simple, not easy.