Getting serious
And adjusting to a new person in your life
Meeting someone and adding them to your life always involves change and compromise. That’s how it be whenever you add something or someone new to your life. The trick is figuring out when those changes are positive, neutral, or negative.
Those shifts in your life to accommodate a new partner can come on slowly and be difficult to describe. Sometimes they seem good at first, until you have a moment to step back and think about them a little harder or until they progress into something a little more problematic. Like the parable of the boiling frog, it’s entirely possible to not realize how bad someone is for you until you are already being harmed. It happens, and to help prevent it, here a few things to look out for:
Isolation. It’s natural to get wrapped up in a bubble of spending as much of your spare time as you can with the new love of your life. Of course you want to; that’s the whole point. But what if you want to take a day or two to yourself, or to spend with other friends? What kind of reaction do you get when you bring that up? How about when you’re texting a friend or family member when you’re at your new boy or girl’s place? It’s one thing when you choose to focus your time and attention on one person...it’s another thing when that person pressures you to focus your time and attention on them.
Control. Who among us hasn’t done something they might not have been excited about, to please someone else? I know I have. It’s how we can make the people around us happier, and it can lead to learning about new things we enjoy. But much like isolation, the problems come up when you are forced into doing things you have objections to, especially when it’s over and over again. They don’t have to be big objections or “real” ones; if you say “I don’t want to” but are worn down to do it anyway? That’s someone trying to control you and that way lies danger. And force doesn’t have to be direct: When you go to social gatherings, do you have to deal with moodiness, grumpiness, or even anger when you rush off to catch up with someone you haven’t seen for a while? That can be an attempt to emotionally manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.
Identity erasing. Just because you are becoming part of an “and” doesn’t mean that you are inextricably melded into a new unit. You do not need to share every part of your life and every part of your mind with your new other half. You’re allowed to have privacy, even from your most intimate partners and friends, and you’re allowed to do your own things, think your own thoughts, and be your own self even inside the context of a relationship. Someone who is healthy for you does not pressure you to change that, and someone who is really healthy for you is careful to point out when you’re changing those things and you don’t need to. Someone not so good for you? Not only do they ask for and accept the slow erasure of you as an independent individual, they work towards making you doubt your own perceptions of yourself and your world (call it gaslighting, if that helps you understand it better). Your experience and being are yours, and not what someone else says they are.
Unproductive communication. This can span from inappropriate secret-keeping to running all over what you have to say and failing to listen to you. It can be quiet; it can be loud. What it is is an unequal exchange of words, in ways that fail to lead to resolution. That doesn’t mean you and your partner have to each talk the same amount of time, or agree on anything or everything. It does mean that you are able to have difficult conversations about sensitive topics with respect and with each partner feeling like they’ve been heard. If you can’t? If you feel like you’re always getting the silent treatment or always getting yelled at? If there are topics that are never open, especially topics that touch on your lives together like money or sex or outside relationships? Danger, Will Robinson.
Physical violence. Look, if you’re getting hit and it’s not part of a mutually agreed activity (hey, no kink shaming here!), that is not okay (and even if it’s mutually agreed, everything above still applies). If you’re getting pushed, shoved, dragged, grabbed, slapped, choked, touched in ways you did not agree to up front, that is not okay. If it happens once, it can and almost always DOES happen again or worse. This is the biggest red flag of all, and almost everyone who has suffered it once thought it couldn’t happen to them. It makes it difficult to acknowledge when it’s you, especially because all of these red flags often show up together and especially because not all physical violence leaves marks that you are trying to hide. All I have for you here is to know and remember it’s not okay, and it’s not something you should ever have to live with.
New love is wonderful. I don’t want to take away from that. But don’t let it blind you to the fact that bad chemistry and annoying habits aren’t the only reasons you should move on and away from someone. You deserve better. You deserve the kind of relationship that will make you a happier, healthier, better person.